employment - Sari Piittinen

Category: employment

Got that superstar shine bright feeling

Posted on April 21, 2024April 21, 2024 by Sari Piittinen

In the past two months, I’ve moved to a new city and started at a new job. These are both huge changes, but somehow I’m still in one piece.

I was unemployed for seven months before being considered for the position of a tech comms coordinator at Kempower. There’s a lot I want to say about what’s been happening in these months.

First of all, the unemployment period really sucks. It’s like your whole life is on hold. My situation was somewhat more complex because I also knew I wanted to change careers and steer towards technical writing. This was scary because I had no idea if I was doing the right things to convince people I could manage in a technical documentation role.

I found some strength and motivation from a strange place. Well, not so strange if you know my history as a Jpop and Kpop fan, but in any case, as a 38-year-old highly educated Finnish woman(-ish), I’m hardly the ideal target audience. But in the latter half of 2023, there were three audition contests taking place in which members were being chosen to debut in new groups. One was for JYP’s new North American girl group, but following all the Kpop training principles, and another for a Jpop group with also Kpop style expectations in skill, talent and hard work. The former resulted in the group VCHA, and the latter in ME:I. (The third audition was for a boygroup, but my favourite didn’t make it. Because of that, they don’t get a mention. Suck that, JYP!)

These young girls with their big dreams ended up inspiring me and gave me hope for my own “debut” in a new career. I now consider VCHA’s “Girls of the year” very much my song, and had scribbled “Leap high! Leap high!” inspired by ME:I’s audition show in my job hunt brainstorming notes.

One of the girls auditioning for ME:I used to be in my favourite Jpop group, Angerme, so it was especially sweet to see her start this new chapter in her life. This is exactly the kind of opportunity she left Angerme for. And now the opportunity I’ve received is exactly the kind I left the academia for. Angerme was great for her, and the university was great for me, but it was time to move on.

Because I was sick of feeling like my life was on hold, I decided to move to Tampere before even getting a job. It’s only a coincidence that very shortly after, my position at Kempower started becoming more and more a thing. Now I’m glad I moved when I did because moving and working at the same time is a combination that my brain can’t even comprehend. Managing a move especially alone, with two cats to consider, was a lot. But now life in the new city feels exciting. I’m not sure it’s still fully hit me that I live here now, in the city of events and concerts and all kinds of things that previously would’ve required me to plan an overnight trip. Now I can just take a bus, or walk. It’s incredible.

But on the topic of job hunting… Surprisingly, one of the aspects I feared the most about it in general – interviews – ended up going quite well! Now, after the fact, I believe that all interviews taking place remotely ended up working in my favour, since I’m very comfortable with appearing on camera online thanks to my streaming and remote teaching experience. I also didn’t have additional stress from travels or in-person interactions, which could be a mild inconvenience to a neurotypical person, but to a neurodivergent one, might add about 80% more emotional, mental, and physical drain. Ok, I invented the figure, but the point is that by the time I even get to an on-site interview, I might have already lost the game. (Add to the fact that some people instinctively dislike neurodivergent people because they subconsciously mark them as ‘different’, and remote interviews might make some of those different traits less noticeable. Maybe.)

During this unemployment period I was interviewed by two companies, the latter of which was Kempower, my current company. Basically, the moment I made it to the interview stage I received encouraging feedback, but from every other company and position I applied to, there was zero personal feedback and I had no idea what I was doing right or wrong. I had my job hunting documents commented on by a professional via the unemployment agency, and she said there was nothing wrong with the paperwork. It was really just a combination of circumstances that led to me not being considered for positions.

And, funnily enough, it was a combination of circumstances that ended up in me being considered and selected for my current role. But mainly, I happened to send my application (for a different role) at the right time, was noticed by the right person, and then considered for this coordination position. Based on this experience, I can recommend approaching companies you are interested in working for, even if you don’t quite match the requirements. You never know – they might have something else for you. At the same time, it is a game of luck. Right time, right place, right person. Because of this I’ve kept telling people that it feels a bit like I’ve won the lottery.

I can’t actually speak much about the job itself yet because my first two weeks have been spent in different types of trainings. I know what I’ll be doing, but I haven’t physically experienced doing it yet, independently and unguided. But the vibes are good and hopeful.

But here’s the part that might interest autistics or otherwise neurodivergent people. How on earth do I suspect I’ll be able to do well in this job, despite my challenges and needs? Have I asked for things or even disclosed my ‘difference’? …Well. Since I don’t even have or aim to pursue a formal autism/adhd/whatever diagnosis, I also don’t think I can or should mention these in professional settings. My support needs are quite low and can be met with simple things like flexible work hours, hybrid or remote work, lack of competition between colleagues and a sense of independence/autonomy. These are things that a neurotypical person could expect from a job and benefit from, too.

So, I’ve been honest about focusing better at home, excelling at independent work, and disliking competition. It has worked well enough to land me the job. All of these aspects are also either already a part of my job or will be once I get properly settled (I still need a fair bit of guidance, so autonomy is “in progress”).

I’ve also landed in a team that appears to make adjustments and changes even without my needing to ask. Their tradition has been to meet once a week in the Lahti office, which for me means travel there early in the morning. I’ve told them about the details of my travels, but also underlined that I’m prepared to do the trip once a week, and that I can manage it. Even so, the team is now changing its Lahti meetings to once every other week – not only because of me, but perhaps I was the “final nail in the coffin” – and also considering sometimes having the team meetings in another city. I feel like I’ve somehow ended up in a job and a team that takes everyone’s wellbeing seriously and is willing to invest in their people.

Because I’m not used to being treated like this by a job, I think I still need to convince myself I deserve it. Just like my move to Tampere may not have fully sunk in yet, neither likely has this job. I can’t believe I’ve basically landed every expectation, hope and dream I had for my new job. The position is permanent, not just 6 or 12 months. I can mostly work from home. The team is supportive. We have flexibility in work hours. Our values match. The team works towards shared goals instead of colleagues being in some strange competition against each other. The work itself will require me to be precise, which fits me perfectly. I’m not sure I could ask for more.

This is why I have strong hopes or even beliefs that I can shine in this role and in this company. Of course I have moments of insecurity, especially when I’m in the office and don’t know how to do small talk, but I also wasn’t hired to do small talk.

So, fingers crossed things will go smoothly from here. Leap high!

The thrills and horrors of job hunting

Posted on February 13, 2023April 21, 2024 by Sari Piittinen

My current work contract runs out at the end of July, which means it’s necessary for me to think about what to do next. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my current work as a university teacher and felt comfortable with this workplace, these students, and colleagues. Unfortunately, there is no permanent position for me at my current workplace, and I need stability for my wellbeing and future planning. For example, I need to find a permanent position (or success as a freelancer) before I feel confident to buy a home, in whichever city it makes sense to do that.

However, my (self-diagnosed) autism presents additional challenges for this, as it has in the past. I’ve greatly struggled with transition periods in terms of both education and career before. My first year as a university student was a mess; I had no idea what to do and when and ended up not completing enough study points (I had to pay back some of the benefits I’d received during the academic year). Graduation resulted in a period of unemployment, as has the end of every work contract I’ve had. I find myself at a loss for what to do and without the energy to seek a solution.

What gives me hope is that I’m now aware of not only what happens, but why. This means I will be able to slowly prepare myself ahead of time mentally for the job seeking period. I will understand that I also need rest, since it will be a draining and hard time for me even if everything goes well. It also helps that I’m currently teaching a course where students practice identifying their professional skills and strengths and producing texts like CVs and cover letters in which to highlight them. I’m, in a way, working through the exact same questions and issues as my students. Inspired by this course, I’ve already done a lot of work in identifying my own abilities, needs, and boundaries, so I feel more prepared at least on a theoretical level than before.

The second challenge that gives me concern is job interviews. I know that I won’t be able to shine and stand out in an interview situation especially if the interviewers intentionally include startling or strange questions… Or even perfectly reasonable questions that I just misinterpret in the moment (or interpret too literally) and later realize they were expecting a completely different answer. Because of my social anxiety and ‘quirks’, some people just can’t help but have a bad first impression of me. In time I’m able to show my personality and prove my value more, but I won’t be surprised if many of my job application processes will die at the interview stage. It’s frustrating because I might lose a chance at a job that mainly consists of the types of communication that I can excel at (written communication, presenting or teaching, one-to-one discussions, or meetings that I can prepare for ahead of time) because of an unsuccessful interview. I can still communicate clearly and effectively at the workplace even if, especially in a group interview setting, I experienced a moment of mutism or simply didn’t know when to take my turn. (Can we normalize raising your hand in every situation to show you have something to add?)

Sadly, I don’t have an answer to the job interview conundrum. My only idea might be to send a message to the contact person listed in the job ad to give them a heads up ahead of time that I’m “extra nervous in interviews” (since I don’t have any diagnosis to offer), but I don’t see that going over well for me!

So the job hunt will be unavoidable and draining, but there are also some exciting, or at least positive aspects for me to consider. I mainly see this as an opportunity to find a position where I truly feel wanted, appreciated, and valued. While my current work place must have trust in me since I’m the first person they contact when a substitute is needed, the truth is I’ve never been the #1 pick for a more permanent position. This hasn’t been amazing for my self-confidence and I’ve always more or less felt like only a substitute, a temp. This is even if by now I’ve left my mark on some courses, taught a large variety of obligatory courses, in particular, and know how these courses connect to others between the basic, intermediate, and advanced study levels – knowledge that not many others have.

When I’m chosen for a position in the future, it’ll mean I was indeed the person that was most needed and wanted, and I think I deserve to experience that! I’ve worked so hard despite my challenges and achieved so many things. I have so much more to give, too.

Meanwhile, I can’t completely close the door on the option of becoming a freelancer. However, at the moment this entirely depends on whether my previous translation connections would have work for me, since I don’t have other types of freelancing work in mind at the moment. The beauty of freelancing would be not having to worry about strict office hours, but instead doing task-based work and being able to have some say in my workload (only in terms of not being assigned too much; being assigned too little is entirely possible).

This kind of leads to what I want from my future workplace. My ideal future job would:

Be a permanent position (or in terms of freelancing, the future would look bright)
Offer possibility for remote work at least partially
Offer flexible working hours
Match my personal values (like appreciation for diversity and interculturality, sustainability in the sense that I’d rather not be selling fast fashion, etc.)
Encouraging and supportive work atmosphere
No competition between colleagues; I want to be a part of a team that works together towards a goal. I don’t want to spend my career worrying about being less than others

In the end, I mostly want to find a home. Especially since change is so challenging for me, I’d like to find a place where I feel comfortable and stay there, if not forever then at least for a considerable time. I want to stop worrying about not knowing what I’m going to be doing 6 months from now and whether I’ll be on unemployment benefits or actually earning money and contributing to the society. These simple dreams become so much more complex when there are extra roadblocks in the way.

My action plan is that until April, I’m preparing mentally, attending relevant webinars and building my motivation towards The Hunt. In April, I will be able to focus better on looking for positions, since my lecturing ends in early-mid April and my focus won’t have to stray from teaching to my personal woes. If by mid June things are looking grim, I will get in touch with my translation contacts and ask whether they have work for me. Eventually, I must be able to find something.

Becoming a teacher for real

Posted on July 19, 2021July 19, 2021 by Sari Piittinen

This year I was (finally) able to join pedagogical studies which I shall refer to as teacher studies between friends. Completing these studies means I’ll be qualified to apply to English teacher positions at different levels of education (although I can’t say that teaching children has ever been my calling).

I’ve applied to similar studies before first after completing my master’s degree and more recently after completing my PhD. However, these study positions are competitive and I lacked teaching work experience to be accepted. I also couldn’t apply to teacher studies intended for uni staff because by the time the application deadlines closed, I still didn’t know whether I was going to be employed at my university again and therefore able to, you know, participate in the studies. Now I’m a student at the JAMK University of Applied Sciences and aim to complete my studies as quickly as possible – after all, I’ve waited for this opportunity for a long time!

What’s really great about this is that a lot of my teaching so far has been mostly survival and trying to do justice to existing teaching materials. Basically, I haven’t had the time or opportunity to really reflect on myself or my goals as a teacher, or critically assess what I’m teaching and how, or create something truly mine (based on theory and knowledge of pedagogy). I expect the studies to not only give me some tools to use as a teacher, but also a chance to really think about what I’m doing and why, and who I want to become as a teacher. Of course all this time I’ve been genuinely trying my best and directly and indirectly learning from my colleagues, but dedicating oneself to improve a specific skillet while receiving support from others is different. The support part is especially significant – teaching is pretty independent work, in the end. You can’t ask a colleague every single time something unexpected happens, and nobody is there to watch and judge how you teach, or to give advice. I’ve been figuring out a lot of (practical) things on my own. The studies are possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance to really have a group of people helping each other progress and become the best teachers they can be.

I’m also returning to teach at uni in the fall, this time as an hourly paid teacher, which is a little different. (I truly need to manage my time well so that I’m not doing too much “free work” – without any reduction in quality.) I’m returning to two classes I’ve taught before and picking up two new ones, which are both exciting prospects. However, as I haven’t signed the work contract yet, I don’t want to think about this TOO much right now. But it’s pretty awesome I’m teaching while undergoing my teacher studies so that I can have an active process of simultaneous learning and putting what I’ve learned to practice… To the extent that is possible/realistic!

2020 in reflection: games and teaching

Posted on January 19, 2021January 19, 2021 by Sari Piittinen

Perhaps in today’s world, writing a reflection on the previous year on January 19th is already terribly late, but here we are. I’ll focus here on some new gaming experiences, the teaching I did in 2020, and what might be coming in 2021.

I probably don’t need to address that 2020 was a globally terrible year mostly (but not only) because of Covid-19 and, for example, how odd it was to see wearing masks become a daily normal occurrence in my home country of Finland. Lots of strange, scary, lonely moments took place that year.

Most of my pictures from 2020 are of my cats.

The inability to go outside as much or travel (I travelled nowhere in 2020, not even inside Finland) didn’t impact me as much as many others because I enjoy spending a lot of time at home with the cats. However, my history of almost annual visits to Japan has started to influence my brain somewhat, since I keep having dreams of being in Tokyo, or some sights or sounds remind me of previous travels and made me long for another visit. At the same time, the thought of leaving home for even just a week seems to become harder as time goes by – I’ve got so used to not doing anything in particular, and not going anywhere in particular.

But these are the specific topics I want to talk about separately: my hobby of playing video games, and work.

Voice chat and a new level of gaming

Even if I’ve played games in groups of friends for over ten years, it was only in 2020 that I started using voice chat while playing with others. Before this I would only communicate with my friends using a text-based chat in-game. The first game I tried voice chat with was also an intimidating one for me: Rust, a ruthless peer-versus-peer game in which technically anyone can kill you and loot all your belongings at any time. (It’s also possible to play the game in a friendly way, but many choose not to.) This is not a genre of games that I’d normally choose to play, but I wanted to join my favourite streamer and friend SpaceKat on her adventures. Since I’m kind of generally quiet and wasn’t used to using a mic in game, these first experiments with voice chat were a little awkward and I was a bit worried people might be less willing to play with me in the future… But luckily that wasn’t the case, in the end.

Heading to the oil rig in Rust, barely knowing what to do with a gun.

Other games I played using voice chat were the demo of Party Animals (in which voice chat was mostly endless giggling); Among Us, which blew up as a who-did-it “murder mystery” game; Phasmophobia with its ghost type analysis in haunted houses; and most recently Dead by Daylight, which isn’t designed voice chat use in mind, but becomes a lot more fun that way, since you can share information, laugh at each other’s silly gameplay moves, and offer sympathies if the killer is extra merciless.

I feel like being able to hear the voices of folks in my online community has made the bond between us stronger (even if I also firmly believe you can develop a close online relationship without it). In any case, I’m becoming more confident with using the mic, especially in combination with my gameplay streaming on Twitch, and I’m experiencing the difference in being able to communicate information immediately in a game instead of having to pause for a moment to type what I want to say.

At the same time, my introverted personality hasn’t changed. If there are several more outspoken players speaking, I tend to take the backseat and am mostly heard giggling at their jokes. I struggle to claim space for my voice to be heard, while at the same time don’t necessarily feel like I need to be speaking that much. Sometimes I also still get a little self-conscious about my accent and worried that my joke won’t land well if people don’t understand what I said… So there are still things to work on if I want to be fully confident in a voice chat gameplay situation.

Thrown in at the deep end of teaching

Earlier this year I decided to “quit academics”, but then my university suddenly needed a university teacher for the duration of the fall term and since I was available and happy to continue working with colleagues I knew to be good people, I ended up being asked and accepting this position. Before this, I’d only taught two university level courses before. Now I was responsible for remotely teaching five courses which were not designed to be taught remotely, and for developing one online self-study course (this one I wish I’d had more time to work on; I would have liked to make lecture videos etc.).

My initial goal was just to survive, since I didn’t have that much teaching experience and always compare myself to my colleagues who are very capable and enthusiastic teachers. Additionally, many of the courses were a part of a refreshed curriculum, which means they were being taught for the first time in their current form (and that I had a lot of responsibility in doing justice to changes that others had previously brainstormed).

Perks of working from home: turning around to see this in the middle of a work day…

In the end, I think it turned out that I was a great match for teaching the courses remotely, and although I have some regrets about things I could have done better (which, honestly, I think teachers need to have to improve), I also received some very good feedback and comments from students, which I treasure. I enjoyed teaching from home and since I’m very comfortable using online spaces for interaction, anyway, I was probably less intimidated than many other teachers about this Covid-19 fall. Even if I was teaching remotely, I think I learned more about interaction with students both in spoken and written form, which was especially rewarding. Since I was generally doing more teaching, I also got more used to it as an everyday thing and was able to worry a little bit less about myself and more about how to provide for the students. This means that my teaching could improve.

I’m not sure how much teaching I will be doing in the future (if any! It’s all a matter of chance and opportunity) but I find the experience very rewarding and valuable regardless. One, I learned I’m very flexible and able to adjust to new challenges and situations quickly, that I’m good at problem solving (e.g. “how to do this task remotely when it’s been designed for in-class meetings?”) and more about how to communicate clearly and how important that is. Teaching writing and communication skills to students also reminded me that these are skills I have myself, and can use in the future. Which leads us to…

Coming in 2021?

My future is, in all honesty, still open. But I think I am now interested in tackling copywriting. It’s a wonder I haven’t thought of it before, since producing texts comes so naturally for me. Even when I did the translation and copywriting test for Acclaro, I remember really enjoying the copywriting tasks. I’m not sure we’re allowed to talk about what’s in the test, but for me the process involved doing a bit of research to write short marketing blurbs in the popular culture field. I found myself thinking I’d like to do more of it, and certainly would love to be compensated for it.

Happy New Year!!! #AnimalCrossing #ACNH #NintendoSwitch pic.twitter.com/xQvMcJBtGs
— Sari / susuhina (@susuhina_rekt) December 31, 2020

I’ve also applied to study, in my freetime, pedagogical studies that would give me formal qualifications to teach with longer term contracts at university and vocational schools. I don’t necessarily see myself competing for already scarce teaching positions, but there is a chance I will be able to make use of such knowledge in other ways. I genuinely enjoy sharing whatever expertise I have and guiding others to develop their skills, so even if I never find myself at a university again, I may be able to use teaching skills to, for example, produce online courses (especially since this seemed to work for me quite well this fall) or offer workshops, trainings, etc. Whether I do copywriting or something else, down the line I may be able teach others what I’ve learned and more. However, it’s still unsure whether I’ll be able to make it into the student selection for the pedagogical studies. I’m waiting to receive paperwork from the university that I need for the application. Last time I applied I didn’t have enough teaching experience to be even considered, so I’m nervous about that, too.

In any case, I’m trying to be brave in 2021, since starting anew (which I seem to have done each January in the past 3 years) always takes guts and hard work.

Seemingly quitting academics

Posted on May 16, 2020February 26, 2021 by Sari Piittinen

In the beginning of this year, I decided to give an academic career track a 6 months’ chance during which I would apply for research funding and academic positions, and if none of them worked out, I’d seriously consider moving on. I’ve now received a rejection for all my funding applications this spring and have started to apply for non-academic positions…

…Quite happily. The more I’ve thought about it, I don’t think an academic career track would make me a very happy person. I’m passionate about doing research, sure, but the constant competition, rejections, and job insecurity – when I’m already prone to unfairly comparing myself to others – is never going to create a healthy mental and emotional state for me. What the academia is so far constantly telling me is that I’m not good enough. Not enough experience of this or that, not enough networks (especially international ones), not enough publications… Which is, pardon my French, bullshit because I’m a hard worker and fully capable of anything that the work requires. So why not leave behind this toxic unrequited love and look for a position in which my skills are appreciated? It may not be easily and quickly found, but I still have more hope to find a position like that than to be successful with funding applications (which are like playing lottery, if it took weeks to prepare a lottery ticket) or battling for scarce academic positions with equally capable peers (who may have more impressive CVs).

Right now, I honestly just want to have a job with some new challenges that will give me something new to focus on, but at the same time, will allow me to enjoy my freetime guilt-free, as I think I may not have been able to fully do for the past six years. When you’re a researcher, there’s always something you should be doing.

I feel like I’ve somehow always known that things would end this way, with me and the academic world. There have always been “requirements” for doing the work that I haven’t been, well, okay with. I think it’s ridiculous that weekends become time to do parts of the work there was no time to do during the week, without extra pay. I have no interest in staying abroad for lengthy periods of time to prove I’m an international master scholar. I’m okay with teaching, but it’s always been clear to me I’m not as passionate about it as many of my peers who do a wonderful job connecting with their students. But more than anything, I’m just not interested in constant individual competition and comparison to others. Even when I play video games with my friends, I never play against them – we play co-operative games as a team. That’s because I’m not interested in proving that I’m better than others, I just want to be important and useful for my team. But in the academics, you have to be the one with the best stats and scores to have a chance at… you know, having a career, getting paid. I want to be the best for my team, I don’t want to be the best, period. There’s a difference.

And the thing is, outside academia, I think people appreciate team thinking. I want to be a team’s healer, tank, damage dealer, whatever position I fit best; not the person who grinds the game 12 hours a day to max all these skills and may still not even get a chance to enter the match because someone else grinded 13 hours. I’m exhausted by the academia, but also energised by the thought that somewhere out there, a team might be able to recognize my skills and invite me to join them.

Besides, I’ve got cats to feed. And there are so many content creators I want to be able to support, and currently can’t, because I don’t have the extra money. It’s hecking killing me. I need to have an income so I can give other people theirs.

The good thing to come from this is that I’ll probably feel free to start blogging about very non-academic topics here as well. I’ve always enjoyed writing down my thoughts on random topics and have had a diary/journal/blog online, on and off, since I was 15. Now I can turn this into my new platform for doing it. Should be fun.

Academic unemployment

Posted on February 3, 2020February 3, 2020 by Sari Piittinen

Being unemployed can be generally stressful – I have experience of both non-academic and academic unemployment. With the former, I mean the time after my receiving my MA degree when I wasn’t yet pursuing an academic career, and with the latter I mean the time after receiving my doctoral degree and falling in love with doing research. In this blog post, I’m going to talk about the hardships of being unemployed and interested in an academic career, although some of it may overlap with experiences of unemployment generally.

How to talk about being unemployed?

One of the annoying parts about unemployment is dealing with questions about your employment situation. The thing is, almost always the reaction from others is an overtly pitying response, which makes you feel like your situation is indeed pitiful and terrible. And you don’t know how to respond yourself, because of course the situation is terrible in some ways (such as lacking a stable income), but why should we think that if we don’t have a job or research funding, our lives are basically on hold, meaningless and filled with sadness? I don’t think I should be depressed just because I’m in a bad employment situation right now. But the general response to news about unemployment is always negative. I’ve noticed myself trying to combat this with cringeworthy responses like “oh, no, I don’t have anything lined up right now, but besides that I’M DOING GREAT!” This may have weirded out some people…

It really feels difficult to have an honest conversation about unemployment. Admitting that it feels good to sleep late in the morning makes you feel guilty. Admitting that it’s crappy that the only reason to go outside is to get groceries feels depressing. You’re not really ‘allowed’ to think about the potential few upsides of unemployment because it means you’re a lazy bum leeching on the society, or something, but only focusing on the negative is incredibly self-destructive and serves nobody. I’m still working on this issue. I feel like periodic unemployment in the current world is just going to be a thing I can’t avoid, and I refuse to hate my life for it. Is that wrong? Can I honestly and openly say that without shooting myself in the leg?

What I can do is find ways to make my life meaningful during this time. I have an action plan that includes projects like starting this blog. I’m reading research papers I wouldn’t otherwise have the time to read. I’m continuing and polishing up research projects that I started last fall when I had a temporary postdoc contract at the university. And, of course, I’m working on funding applications and keep my eyes open for any positions that I could apply for. I don’t think these activities are only valuable and meaningful if I’m simultaneosly employed. I don’t think they are pitiful, depressing and sad.

It always feels like you’re the only one

Of course you should never compare yourself to others, but receiving your PhD and watching others receive theirs and immediately and successfully move on to new projects can definitely make you feel like you’re the one weirdo who can’t seem to win the lottery “that everyone else does”. In reality, other postdocs that are experiencing what you are are probably doing the same thing as you – keeping quiet about their situation because it’s humiliating to not have anything going on “when everyone else is”.

Last summer I was able to meet another postdoc who had been unemployed since receiving her PhD. This person was super qualified and motivated with fascinating research interests (dare I say, like myself); if there was any sense in academic employment, she’d be snatched away and hired immediately. It may be terrible to say that seeing someone else in the same situation did make me feel better because I’d really come to believe I was somehow inherently worse than others for not being successful with any of my applications so far. But this person wasn’t worse than others, and neither am I. We just haven’t been in the right place at the right time, answering to a specific need that someone with the power to make decisions was looking to address. And there must be more of us – we’re just somewhere out there, struggling individually.

‘Free labour’

What’s especially troubling about academic unemployment is that you’re always expected to be producing new research, whether you’re paid for it or not. If you don’t, you don’t look active, don’t have enough publications to be considered for positions – I’m not sure how closely publication lists are checked in funding applications, but you need to look like you know your stuff. And this is something I’ve found really difficult to swallow, even if I typically end up doing research-related things anyway because I can’t help myself. While the long-term unemployed on other fields also usually have to be active somehow to remain employable (I also did voluntary studies and attended training events after my MA) it’s probably not comparable to the expectation to publish top research in top journals with limited tools. Which leads us to…

On the outside looking in

An unemployed scholar is usually also locked out of access to journals and electronic materials, as well as many academic events that require you to have funding or a contract to participate. So somehow you’re expected to stay up to date without access to readings, and stay relevant without face-to-face contact to other researchers. Conferences aren’t free either; for the unemployed, travelling a longer distance is not an option, and the participation fees alone can be hundreds of euros. How many are willing or able to dig into their personal savings just to show the world that they’re still out there, trying their best? It can easily become a vicious cycle of not being able to do your research propely because you don’t have access to the materials and community, and not receiving chances to become employed or funded because of it. I’m currently expected to add more references to one of my projects, and I’m genuinely a bit scared because the references I need might be locked behind a paywall.

I’m complaining because these issues are fixable. There could be even more focus on open access publishing so that everyone can read the research, not just the ones with the best affiliations. Academic events could clearly state in their invitations that, for example, alumni are also welcome, whether they are currently officially affiliated with the university or not. (And these invitations wouldn’t be posted on staff-only email lists.) And discounts could exist not only for students, but also for those unemployed or with a low income. I understand that nothing is free, but it’s also lame for events to benefit from the participation of those without monetary support from the university.

I started the post talking about how I didn’t want to focus on the negativity of the experience of unemployment, but then ended up writing a lot about what gives me anxiety, stress, frustration, or even angers me about it. (Oops!) Maybe someone in the same situation will read this and at least be able to feel like they’re not alone. I do hope that my period of unemployment will soon be over and for longer than a few months; a break of even just two years from uncertainty would be luxurious at this point (as a PhD student, I always got funding for one year at a time, always learning about it in December – it’s not a very healthy way to live). Until then, I’ll keep finding ways to make things interesting and meaningful, and keep my brain active!