I have a persistent drive for autonomy. It basically means that my brain interprets most demands as threats, causing a fight or flight reaction. Sometimes the demands don’t even need to be direct demands. I’ve also had bad reactions to suggestions, tips, recommendations… Anything that might make my brain believe that somebody thinks I should do something. It’s not the easiest or most fun thing to live with, and has cost me at least one friendship.
I need to constantly find ways to trick my brain into believing that what I’m doing is my choice. Even if it’s something that simply needs to be done.
In the past few years, I’ve begun to realize that most advice out in the world is not designed for someone like me. Things that generally motivate, encourage, or remind people to do what they need to do, may simply produce one response in my brain: NO.
It has been a struggle, y’all. And it has been the greatest gift to realize how my brain actually works so I can change my strategies.
After several failed attempts, I’m currently trying to lead a healthier lifestyle again. Because of this, I’ll use advice/tips on fitness and healthier eating as an example here of what does not work for me.
Clear plans and schedules
This one pains me the most because I love organizing a neat plan. The problem is, every time I write down a plan or a schedule, it becomes a demand. I’ve made dozens of plans and schedules in my life, whether to do with hobbies, exercise, or any kind of an extracurricular goal. They have all failed. I couldn’t even finish a film festival I’d planned, and I love films. I’ve kept optimistically trying because so many successful people talk about the importance of planning ahead and having clear tangible goals, all clearly marked down somewhere.
But I can’t write anything down without it becoming a threat. Instead, goals are something I have to actively remind myself of and choose every day in the moment. I can’t externalize them in any way, including…
Accountability
For most people, it’s recommended to tell someone about your goal, or having perhaps an accountability buddy or a group all striving towards a similar goal. Yeah. That hasn’t worked for me either. The moment I’ve told someone (usually a friend) about how I’m doing this or that, I’ve quit within days or weeks afterwards. It likely becomes another demand: now that someone expects me to do this, I can’t do it anymore. It’s the complete opposite of the typical reaction.
For me it seems to be safe to only say vague things (like “I’m trying to have a healthier lifestyle”) because specifics appear to make my brain suspicious about something not just being an option, but a must.
Tracking everything
Similar to the two points above, this can be too demanding and too specific. I am using one way of tracking any “progress”, but it’s a far cry from “weigh and measure yourself every day, track your calories, take progression photos each day, take photos of every meal”, etc. I know some people find this very helpful, but holy crap.
…So what can I actually do?
I can have an unofficial (i.e. undocumented) plan in my head that I’ve constructed from options presented to me, and data and information that I’ve gathered over the years about “healthy lifestyles”. It’s a living, breathing plan that I keep working on by consuming more of people’s stories and experiences, and relevant podcasts. I try to highlight the fact that I’m making choices freely every day, and pat myself on the back if I make a choice that I think is good or has a positive impact.
If a year from now I have been “successful” with my current activities, maybe it will be safe to share what I did and how, but right now, I just can’t shoot myself in the foot again. I’m already worried that writing and posting this much is a risk (in terms of forming an accountability demand), and I’m not sure now if I will dare to share a link to this blog post or if I will just leave it safely unnoticed…